Yesterday was a rough day for me . . . I spent a couple of hours with some friends and their loved ones at Hospice yesterday. It was too soon for me. Stomach is still in knots, and I still feel "yucky" even this morning (like someone put a shop vac to my stomach - remember the scene in The Matrix where they suck out that little tracer from Neo's gut. . . yeah, like that ) . . . but it was a place that I sensed the Father wanted me to be and to join into, so I'm actuall "ok" with all of that.
But, like usual . . . it got me thinking some more . . .
One of the thoughts that came back to me was , "I can't WAIT until I'm ok again" . . . "can't WAIT until I'm passed all this 'stuff'", etc
WAIT . . .
not one of my favorite places to sit . . . it's irritating actually!! Gives me a rash . . . metaphorically and physically. I have this spot on my calf that is a "warning light" to me . . . starts itching and a rash develops telling me that stress is kicking my body's ass and I need to be aware of it. I wish I didn't need warnings or reminders but I do . . . I'm just that dense sometimes. But Sunday started me off pretty irritated at some people and while I thought I "dealt" with that, I keep having to "deal with it" . . . then yesterday came with all it's raw emotions and such . . . and today, my calf itches. 2 different kinds of rashes . . . people give me a rash on my buttocks . . . life shows up on my calf . . .
one of the biblical writers wrote about "waiting" (Isaiah 40:31) . . . i find it interesting that he starts off that chapter talking about "comfort" . . . there must be some mysterious connection between the two themes. It is also a kind note (vs. 11) that He speaks of "tending his flock like a shepherd: gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;"
and I understand a bit of the Hebrew to where the "waiting" is tied to "hope" . . . but right now, the waiting seems tied more to suffocation! Like the waiting I'm enduring is that moment where you jumped into the river from a high cliff and now you sense the bubbles rising up to the surface faster than you can get there and you are gasping for anything - air . . . water (bad idea btw) - and you are swimming upward but the surface seems too far away to reach.
WAIT . . .
I just can't figure this stuff out . . . which is actually, I'm sensing, the better place to be.
Yesterday too, had my mind rushing all over the place. Back and forth to past conversations and decisions that were made or not made. It's really hard to get back up to the surface when some types of currents keep pushing you around and pulling you back under . . . It's like surfing in some ways. When you wipe it out bad . . . and you are caught up in the tumbling surface and generated energy of a crashing wave that is using and abusing you. You might find yourself being pushed up on the rocks or at least the cutting bottom of shells and such . . . a shoreline break is very treacherous like that . . .
So you WAIT . . .
eventually, you believe that this energy and tumbling will stop . . . but right now your body seems determined to breathe, but you can't . . . for to breathe in now would be worse.
WAIT . . .
It's been a John Mayer 24 hours too . . . "Waiting on the World to change" speaks more to the spiritual ache in me more than even the social evils he espresses and is concerned about . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBIxScJ5rlY&ob=av3e
(skip the ad. . . I hate Vevo)
but that WAITING part . . .
wait . . . I have to scratch again . . .
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