Hey . . . so today I was doing some prep stuff for an upcoming interaction I was having with a friend to broadcast to our "church" family. And, of course, some of the best research can be done via Facebook (insert STYX background music here) . . . So there I was, scrolling and liking and loving away . . . and I stumbled upon a friend's Blog concerning this current situation we all find ourselves in called : COVID '19. She's a really good writer and after I had read and shared her post, I remembered that in a former life, I used to try this thing called "blogging" too. So I set about to see if I could find my old blog set up and see what I could find . . . (kind of reminds you of some lyrics to a really bad country song don't it?)
Well, of course I forgot my sign-on info . . . after all, it had been like 5 YEARS since I had posted anything . . . so go ahead . . . you try and remember your login credentials to something 5 YEARS AGO!!
And apparently, I have a bunch of sign on identities from the past (something bad must have happened to me that I created multiple sign-ons for apparent important reasons at the time) . . . but I couldn't remember why I had or what the passwords were . . . so I was blocked . . .
But then, as I began to type, my computer seized upon it's everlasting memory and auto-filled my "secure" information and . . . VOILA (that's actually the second time I've used that word today, wth?) . . . I'm back in business . . .
. . .
. . .
but now I'm staring at a blinking cursor waiting . . .
Thursday, April 2, 2020
Monday, February 9, 2015
Resistance
Just the other day, I was out running and learned something about life and myself.
I have several routes laid out that I travel on based upon the time or distance or training I'm trying to do. First of all, I've had to learn that I'm not 25 anymore. That has been a hard lesson. The body just doesn't do what I want it to do . . . in the time I want it to do it . . . but nevertheless, I continue to run. There is something in this for my overall health . . . and I'm not interested really in my blood pressure, cholesterol or other blood #'s as much as my doctor is. This is obvious when I head to CFA tomorrow or snack away tonight. But again, there is something there that keeps pulling me out to sludge along.
This latest "eureka" moment came as I headed for a 5 mile stumble/jaunt. As I headed out east along SR 52, I kept looking down at my training watch and noticed that I was busting it on my pace . . . almost a whole minute per mile from what I usually accomplish.
Now the first thing that I do is look down and make sure my feet are under me. I'm thinking that maybe I ended up on the short hood of one of those electric cars or someone has picked me up on their motorized scooter or something. It was an amazing euphoria moment for me . . . sorta like when I realize I'm down to the last Eintenmenn's chocolate Pop'em donut hole in the box. Just taking it in . . . enjoying the moment of conquest. And I went further out than usual and came to the end of that particular interval and realized I needed to return back towards home.
And that's when it hit me . . .
We had just had one of those Florida "Cold fronts" move through that afternoon . . . and as I turned to return home , I met it head on . . .
Resistance . . .
It was in the form of about a 15-20 mph wind that was blowing directly in my face.
And the challenge was on . . .
Now, to many experienced runners this probably isn't a problem. But to this chap . . . well, yeah , . . .
Yeah . . . now I was remembering all 220 lbs of whatever I've been carrying around on this 6 foot 1 frame. Every Cheetos . . . Every Oreo . . . Every Fudge Stick and chip became 25 lbs heavier in my cells.
I began looking for my cell phone (was going to fake and injury and call my son to come pick me up) and realized that I don't bring it with me anymore.
And when exactly did Verizon do away with the pay phones that used to be along the side of the road or next to buildings?
That was pretty inconsiderate!! Did we vote on that in one of those wordy thing-a-mig-jigs that are always on the ballots in the primaries and big elections? I couldn't remember . . . but now I was about to puke . . . hyperventilating ( I think that was the medical term I heard somewhere) and now beginning to stumble around the 3 feet wide sidewalk . . . looking for a break in the wind . . .
What a stupid idea I had to run !
Who am I kidding?? Am not a runner !!
Is this it??? Is this the "BIG ONE ELISABETH" that Sanford used to cry out about??
About then . . . I had an epiphany . . . or something . . . . it was just a quick second in the midst of my panic . . . but it was a slight whisper . . . but loud enough to break through the rattling of mucous that had gathered in my bronchial tubes . . . it was just 4 words I think . . . but there was something in them that began to settle me down.
"You got this" . . .
I know . . . I said it was 4 words . . . and actually the 4th word was me mumbling back "shit" after I heard the other words.
and then in that moment of clarity . . . other thoughts began to rush into my conscience and began to try and rescue me from my despair. It wasn't my first meeting with "resistance" . . .
I remembered things I had read and other times of panic I had experienced . . . and I began the moments of recovering . . . it was time for my walk again in my intervals and while I walked I began to remember to slow my breathing down . . . intentionally . . . inhaled on this step . . . exhaled on this other one (they began on the same step at the beginning but I was able to gradually create some space between the two thank God!).
I slowed my pace down a bit when I started back up again . . . and guess what . . .
I made it to my next interval . . .
and my next . . .
and my next . . .
and the wind was continuing to push against me . . . my runny nose was a painful crust of something that tasted salty every time I licked it . . .
so, I continued to drink water . . .
and continued slowly on my quest . . .
and I remembered the purpose of resistance in training . . .
and as I came around the final corner toward my drive way . . . and my interval ticked down toward completion . . . I had survived . . .
No, actually it felt larger than that.
I felt for a moment like Rocky Balboa on those steps in Philadelphia . . . you remember that right? . . .
I was about to raise my arms high and dance and then that lady with the little yorkie spotted me as she walked by and mumbled something like "beautiful day for some exercise" or something stupid like that . . .
I smiled . . . and nodded . . .
I didn't mutter what I was thinking . . . (my wife would be proud of me I thought)
for that day . . . that moment . . . I had conquered resistance . . . I had defeated my doubts and fear and panic . . . and as I took a deep breath again without pain, I felt. . . . . . a bit stronger.
And that's what resistance will provide.
As I tried to stretch and get some gatorade down into my system while recuperating on my back porch . . . I thought about how much resistance throws me off during my day to day life.
Maybe it was something internal rising it's ugly head again or something external that was reeking havoc on my soft existence but none the less felt totally paralyzing. Stuff that just creates so much junk that the next thing I know , I can be in a full blown panic attack or worse acting out in God forsaken ways. And those words come back to me again . . .
"You got this" . . .
and it's not a fake mantra of self strength that arises . . . no . . . this is something deeper that sounds truer to what I've known and heard . . . it is something that is real to me now . . .
It's because I'm not alone . . . Someone has joined me in this life and story and now I'm sensing Him carrying me along at times and at other times smiling as I recover my breath and focus on taking the next breath and step.
It's a strength I haven't known before but is true after the latest struggle of intensity.
I know it sounds kinda silly . . . this moment of clarity I have . . .
And maybe it was simply a stupid time to go for a run. Maybe it was just a close brush with death . . . or at least - unconsciousness . . .
But as I ponder it's truths these days since I experienced that ridiculous trauma, something feels more solid from deep within me . . . I feel a bit "in shape" . . .
The "resistance" that used to always scare and threaten my destruction . . . I now see as something that we (He and I) use to simply get to the next square on the sidewalk . . .
and then there comes a point of satisfied collapse . . . I think that is the moment of faith maturing in me . . .
I have several routes laid out that I travel on based upon the time or distance or training I'm trying to do. First of all, I've had to learn that I'm not 25 anymore. That has been a hard lesson. The body just doesn't do what I want it to do . . . in the time I want it to do it . . . but nevertheless, I continue to run. There is something in this for my overall health . . . and I'm not interested really in my blood pressure, cholesterol or other blood #'s as much as my doctor is. This is obvious when I head to CFA tomorrow or snack away tonight. But again, there is something there that keeps pulling me out to sludge along.
This latest "eureka" moment came as I headed for a 5 mile stumble/jaunt. As I headed out east along SR 52, I kept looking down at my training watch and noticed that I was busting it on my pace . . . almost a whole minute per mile from what I usually accomplish.
Now the first thing that I do is look down and make sure my feet are under me. I'm thinking that maybe I ended up on the short hood of one of those electric cars or someone has picked me up on their motorized scooter or something. It was an amazing euphoria moment for me . . . sorta like when I realize I'm down to the last Eintenmenn's chocolate Pop'em donut hole in the box. Just taking it in . . . enjoying the moment of conquest. And I went further out than usual and came to the end of that particular interval and realized I needed to return back towards home.
And that's when it hit me . . .
We had just had one of those Florida "Cold fronts" move through that afternoon . . . and as I turned to return home , I met it head on . . .
Resistance . . .
It was in the form of about a 15-20 mph wind that was blowing directly in my face.
And the challenge was on . . .
Now, to many experienced runners this probably isn't a problem. But to this chap . . . well, yeah , . . .
Yeah . . . now I was remembering all 220 lbs of whatever I've been carrying around on this 6 foot 1 frame. Every Cheetos . . . Every Oreo . . . Every Fudge Stick and chip became 25 lbs heavier in my cells.
I began looking for my cell phone (was going to fake and injury and call my son to come pick me up) and realized that I don't bring it with me anymore.
And when exactly did Verizon do away with the pay phones that used to be along the side of the road or next to buildings?
That was pretty inconsiderate!! Did we vote on that in one of those wordy thing-a-mig-jigs that are always on the ballots in the primaries and big elections? I couldn't remember . . . but now I was about to puke . . . hyperventilating ( I think that was the medical term I heard somewhere) and now beginning to stumble around the 3 feet wide sidewalk . . . looking for a break in the wind . . .
What a stupid idea I had to run !
Who am I kidding?? Am not a runner !!
Is this it??? Is this the "BIG ONE ELISABETH" that Sanford used to cry out about??
About then . . . I had an epiphany . . . or something . . . . it was just a quick second in the midst of my panic . . . but it was a slight whisper . . . but loud enough to break through the rattling of mucous that had gathered in my bronchial tubes . . . it was just 4 words I think . . . but there was something in them that began to settle me down.
"You got this" . . .
I know . . . I said it was 4 words . . . and actually the 4th word was me mumbling back "shit" after I heard the other words.
and then in that moment of clarity . . . other thoughts began to rush into my conscience and began to try and rescue me from my despair. It wasn't my first meeting with "resistance" . . .
I remembered things I had read and other times of panic I had experienced . . . and I began the moments of recovering . . . it was time for my walk again in my intervals and while I walked I began to remember to slow my breathing down . . . intentionally . . . inhaled on this step . . . exhaled on this other one (they began on the same step at the beginning but I was able to gradually create some space between the two thank God!).
I slowed my pace down a bit when I started back up again . . . and guess what . . .
I made it to my next interval . . .
and my next . . .
and my next . . .
and the wind was continuing to push against me . . . my runny nose was a painful crust of something that tasted salty every time I licked it . . .
so, I continued to drink water . . .
and continued slowly on my quest . . .
and I remembered the purpose of resistance in training . . .
and as I came around the final corner toward my drive way . . . and my interval ticked down toward completion . . . I had survived . . .
No, actually it felt larger than that.
I felt for a moment like Rocky Balboa on those steps in Philadelphia . . . you remember that right? . . .
I was about to raise my arms high and dance and then that lady with the little yorkie spotted me as she walked by and mumbled something like "beautiful day for some exercise" or something stupid like that . . .
I smiled . . . and nodded . . .
I didn't mutter what I was thinking . . . (my wife would be proud of me I thought)
for that day . . . that moment . . . I had conquered resistance . . . I had defeated my doubts and fear and panic . . . and as I took a deep breath again without pain, I felt. . . . . . a bit stronger.
And that's what resistance will provide.
As I tried to stretch and get some gatorade down into my system while recuperating on my back porch . . . I thought about how much resistance throws me off during my day to day life.
Maybe it was something internal rising it's ugly head again or something external that was reeking havoc on my soft existence but none the less felt totally paralyzing. Stuff that just creates so much junk that the next thing I know , I can be in a full blown panic attack or worse acting out in God forsaken ways. And those words come back to me again . . .
"You got this" . . .
and it's not a fake mantra of self strength that arises . . . no . . . this is something deeper that sounds truer to what I've known and heard . . . it is something that is real to me now . . .
It's because I'm not alone . . . Someone has joined me in this life and story and now I'm sensing Him carrying me along at times and at other times smiling as I recover my breath and focus on taking the next breath and step.
It's a strength I haven't known before but is true after the latest struggle of intensity.
I know it sounds kinda silly . . . this moment of clarity I have . . .
And maybe it was simply a stupid time to go for a run. Maybe it was just a close brush with death . . . or at least - unconsciousness . . .
But as I ponder it's truths these days since I experienced that ridiculous trauma, something feels more solid from deep within me . . . I feel a bit "in shape" . . .
The "resistance" that used to always scare and threaten my destruction . . . I now see as something that we (He and I) use to simply get to the next square on the sidewalk . . .
and then there comes a point of satisfied collapse . . . I think that is the moment of faith maturing in me . . .
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Polaroid Snapshots
Every two years is a pace that my blogging can keep up with. LOL!
So, years ago I had this bout with alcohol poisoning. It was late in my teen years and as I lay in my parent's bathroom floor, my dad decided to take several Polaroid shots of me semi-conscious on the floor. Well, here we are some 35 years later and I discover that my mom had kept it . . . I'm not sure why since I still can't smell the smell of beer without my gag reflux kicking in . . . but the image is always seared into my memory . . . will never lose that one I think . . . even if I stumble into dementia one day.
Well, I've discovered that my journey in life consists of many such snap shots. There are really , really important for me to remember who I am and what I'm doing here taking up space and oxygen. And I got another one this past Sunday.
I was finishing a conversation I was leading on what it meant to allow the Love of God to hang onto us rather than us hanging onto our junk or even religious aerobics that occupy our worship language and spaces. At the end of this moment, a friend of mine name "Daniel" (may or may not be his or her name so give up on figuring it out) approached me and grabbed me into this real uncomfortable bear hug. Daniel always gives me a bear hug . . . whether at our church building or at the mall food court. And Daniel doesn't let go unless you reply to him. His hug always comes with an "I love you brother" . . . always!! And he will not let go til you reply "I love you too Daniel" . . . Daniel may have a mental issue that defines his life . . . there is definitely some emotional issues going on . . . yeah, he scares most people . . . so here I am, trapped in this very awkward moment and with barely enough air to breath much less speak - I'm verbally squirting out "I love you too Daniel . . . I love you too" , while thinking in my head - "will you let go of me you big lug?" . . .
But in this moment Daniel will not let go . . . and then he begins to sob . . . and sob . . . and sob . . .
People are staring Daniel . . . I said "I love you too" . . . "c,mon Daniel . . . let's give this one a rest . . ." . . . constant words echoing through my head . . .
Then , interspersed between the sobs , Daniel tells me his current reality . . . "I'm all alone brother Pat . . . I'm all alone . . . my adoptive parent's don't want anything to do with me anymore . . . I don't know what I've done wrong . . . my adoptive father doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence . . . and my real family is either dead or don't want to know me . . . I don't know what to do . . . all I know is that when I come here I feel good . . . ya'll love me don't you? . . . it's ok that I come here right?? I can always come back right ???
and I hear the Grace Polaroid shutter snap . . . and I'm being held in the grip of grace . . . of love . . . and once again, I'm reminded of who I am . . . why I'm here . . .
"Yeah, Daniel . . . I love you too . . . and yes . . . you are always welcome here . . . you can always come here . . . "
Oh . . . and it wasn't anything I had said or done to have ushered this moment into being . . . nope . . . it was this video . . . take some time to watch it and listen for the shutter to snap . . . maybe you need a bear hug or a simple reminder of who you are today . . . why you are here . . . listen in:
https://vimeo.com/42733808
So, years ago I had this bout with alcohol poisoning. It was late in my teen years and as I lay in my parent's bathroom floor, my dad decided to take several Polaroid shots of me semi-conscious on the floor. Well, here we are some 35 years later and I discover that my mom had kept it . . . I'm not sure why since I still can't smell the smell of beer without my gag reflux kicking in . . . but the image is always seared into my memory . . . will never lose that one I think . . . even if I stumble into dementia one day.
Well, I've discovered that my journey in life consists of many such snap shots. There are really , really important for me to remember who I am and what I'm doing here taking up space and oxygen. And I got another one this past Sunday.
I was finishing a conversation I was leading on what it meant to allow the Love of God to hang onto us rather than us hanging onto our junk or even religious aerobics that occupy our worship language and spaces. At the end of this moment, a friend of mine name "Daniel" (may or may not be his or her name so give up on figuring it out) approached me and grabbed me into this real uncomfortable bear hug. Daniel always gives me a bear hug . . . whether at our church building or at the mall food court. And Daniel doesn't let go unless you reply to him. His hug always comes with an "I love you brother" . . . always!! And he will not let go til you reply "I love you too Daniel" . . . Daniel may have a mental issue that defines his life . . . there is definitely some emotional issues going on . . . yeah, he scares most people . . . so here I am, trapped in this very awkward moment and with barely enough air to breath much less speak - I'm verbally squirting out "I love you too Daniel . . . I love you too" , while thinking in my head - "will you let go of me you big lug?" . . .
But in this moment Daniel will not let go . . . and then he begins to sob . . . and sob . . . and sob . . .
People are staring Daniel . . . I said "I love you too" . . . "c,mon Daniel . . . let's give this one a rest . . ." . . . constant words echoing through my head . . .
Then , interspersed between the sobs , Daniel tells me his current reality . . . "I'm all alone brother Pat . . . I'm all alone . . . my adoptive parent's don't want anything to do with me anymore . . . I don't know what I've done wrong . . . my adoptive father doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence . . . and my real family is either dead or don't want to know me . . . I don't know what to do . . . all I know is that when I come here I feel good . . . ya'll love me don't you? . . . it's ok that I come here right?? I can always come back right ???
and I hear the Grace Polaroid shutter snap . . . and I'm being held in the grip of grace . . . of love . . . and once again, I'm reminded of who I am . . . why I'm here . . .
"Yeah, Daniel . . . I love you too . . . and yes . . . you are always welcome here . . . you can always come here . . . "
Oh . . . and it wasn't anything I had said or done to have ushered this moment into being . . . nope . . . it was this video . . . take some time to watch it and listen for the shutter to snap . . . maybe you need a bear hug or a simple reminder of who you are today . . . why you are here . . . listen in:
https://vimeo.com/42733808
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Moments . . .
I'm realizing just how important and significant they can be. Have you ever noticed that?
That in a MOMENT everything can be defined for you . . .
That in a MOMENT clarity may be re-formed or obliterated . . .
That MOMENTS capture our imagination . . . and form our beliefs . . .
When we were younger, we were described as "having a MOMENT", much to the chagrin to whomever was around us at the time.
When we need a break , we may ask for a MOMENT.
When we want to speak to someone, we ask for a MOMENT of their time and attention.
MOMENTS provide us with so much , and yet,
we seem to disregard them so often.
How often has the MOMENT passed?
How much to you reach back for that MOMENT again?
It is like a breeze that brushes past you . . . one that you felt . . . you knew . . . but is gone, to no longer be captured again.
What about this MOMENT right now? What will it bring to your heart and life?
I have friends who live in beautiful areas. They capture that beauty from time to time in pictures and words and I'm drawn in. I'm in the picture . . . I'm in that moment . . . beauty over takes me . . . something within is stirred.
Hope arises and believes . . .
and then again . . . other moments steal away hopes, beliefs, dreams. They are moments that are stamped and seared onto the fabric of our minds and the canvas of our hearts. Split seconds of time and images that, in those moments, swallow us away and we no longer can see the beauty.
Oh, by all means, we so want to !!
But in that second . . . . maybe it was an event . . . a look . . . an event . . . a word . . . but in that second , a filter is somehow imposed over our essence and all that is and is before us, simply sucks the wind from our lungs, our bones , our drive, and our hearts.
That moment has seemed to define everything around us . . .
What are we to believe now?
That is what death and grief has done in these past months of my life. And I've heard all the well wishers (some pretenders , many though are genuine) , who don't understand your moment and try to force you out of that moment . . . they shrug their shoulders and wag their tongues . . . but no invitation to beauty only the false charade of self-management techniques.
But only another MOMENT will do it . . .
and we know it . . .
It may be in a picture again . . . or their words . . . one who is present enough within themselves to sit within you . . . and belief and hope for you . . .
"In a MOMENT . . . in the twinkling of an EYE . . . with a VOICE . . . " , one writer proposes that hope will arrive . . . but maybe there is a pattern there to healing too . . .
Someone there . . . in that MOMENT . . . one who SEES . . . with love's glimmer . . . whose VOICE stirs life again . . .
Hope and longing stirs for that . . . for them . . .
That in a MOMENT everything can be defined for you . . .
That in a MOMENT clarity may be re-formed or obliterated . . .
That MOMENTS capture our imagination . . . and form our beliefs . . .
When we were younger, we were described as "having a MOMENT", much to the chagrin to whomever was around us at the time.
When we need a break , we may ask for a MOMENT.
When we want to speak to someone, we ask for a MOMENT of their time and attention.
MOMENTS provide us with so much , and yet,
we seem to disregard them so often.
How often has the MOMENT passed?
How much to you reach back for that MOMENT again?
It is like a breeze that brushes past you . . . one that you felt . . . you knew . . . but is gone, to no longer be captured again.
What about this MOMENT right now? What will it bring to your heart and life?
I have friends who live in beautiful areas. They capture that beauty from time to time in pictures and words and I'm drawn in. I'm in the picture . . . I'm in that moment . . . beauty over takes me . . . something within is stirred.
Hope arises and believes . . .
and then again . . . other moments steal away hopes, beliefs, dreams. They are moments that are stamped and seared onto the fabric of our minds and the canvas of our hearts. Split seconds of time and images that, in those moments, swallow us away and we no longer can see the beauty.
Oh, by all means, we so want to !!
But in that second . . . . maybe it was an event . . . a look . . . an event . . . a word . . . but in that second , a filter is somehow imposed over our essence and all that is and is before us, simply sucks the wind from our lungs, our bones , our drive, and our hearts.
That moment has seemed to define everything around us . . .
What are we to believe now?
That is what death and grief has done in these past months of my life. And I've heard all the well wishers (some pretenders , many though are genuine) , who don't understand your moment and try to force you out of that moment . . . they shrug their shoulders and wag their tongues . . . but no invitation to beauty only the false charade of self-management techniques.
But only another MOMENT will do it . . .
and we know it . . .
It may be in a picture again . . . or their words . . . one who is present enough within themselves to sit within you . . . and belief and hope for you . . .
"In a MOMENT . . . in the twinkling of an EYE . . . with a VOICE . . . " , one writer proposes that hope will arrive . . . but maybe there is a pattern there to healing too . . .
Someone there . . . in that MOMENT . . . one who SEES . . . with love's glimmer . . . whose VOICE stirs life again . . .
Hope and longing stirs for that . . . for them . . .
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Freedom ! or ?
So, tonight as I sit here I wonder about "Freedom" . . .
There is so much rhetoric spinning around, it is so easy to get knocked off balance by a thousand different things floating past us in lightning speed. The "independent" spirit of our country, which having grown up in a military home, is so very dear to my heart! I am so thankful, as I sit here, to the dozens of friends that are serving in the military around this world. I pray for your protection . . . I pray for your families back home . . . I pray for the mystery of grace to be overwhelmingly bountiful to overshadow the loss and emptiness that these days bring to all of you. So much of what I enjoy costs others everything . . . I'm humbled . . . I'm indebted to their love and sacrifice.
I also have been re-visisted by the freedom of life and friendship. I have a dear friend, who just kissed goodbye to a dear beloved loved one as she slipped into the embrace of eternity's joy and love. It stirred my own echoes of loss again . . . a place that continues to not sit well within the pit of my stomach. A haunting that continues to creep up in a nauseating stir . . . I wonder as I sit here when "freedom" will speak to that place.
There is also a freedom to trust again that begins to gingerly make its way to my reality. I have several who have not faded . . . not relinquished . . . not turned away during the nastiness of times. They see something . . . believe in one, truer than I often can trust in. If I attempt to name any or all, I am so shortsighted, for they desire not to be on a list, but rather to be known. Yes, I know each of you by name, and you to me as well! Even if we are apart, the shade of your friendship casts a cool breeze over an unsettled heart and an encouraging glory to believe and dream. Again, thankfulness and humility stir. I feel life force forward as I linger there . . . creativity, vulnerability, risk . . . all began to take shape and movement. Hmmmmmm , love, devotion, sacrifice, risk, cost . . . all similar themes in different places, but true to the One who disperses His gifts among us.
But take everything else away and the one constant trust that daily stands in my existence is family. My wife and my children continue to journey with me in ways that cannot be explained or expressed deeply enough. They are the ones that I truly pray will dance for years to come in the environment that we have explored and shared together . . . this place of freedom and grace. To share years with one that even in the midst of loss, disappointment, hurt and misunderstanding , continues to endeavor to learn and exhibit the very heart of a Father who has believed, loved and trusted with so much. We have shared that life with children . . . who are now into the "adult years" learning on their own all that that same Father is desiring for their hearts to rest into as well. It's painful, at times, to watch them suffer loss, failure, betrayal, pain . . . but I know, somewhere deep inside my soul, that they will discover "freedom" in ways that I have only dreamed of. Maybe that is it . . . maybe my dreams have often been more attached to their unfolding paths - more than my securing anything further. Yes, that seems so TRUE! My "independence" is really attached to believe and hope in the betterment of those I love deepest. . . . Again . . . similar symphony expressing itself in other tunes and scores . . .
Yes, I sense a calmness in that place. A rest that is "unsettled" in one sense , but yet so solid that you know will endure and be fulfilled as those that I love dearest taste those very dreams as realities for themselves.
Freedom . . . more for others than myself . . .
maybe I am . . .
FREE
Monday, May 14, 2012
I'm the UN-Official Winner of SURVIVOR
So . . .
It didn't come with a 1 MILLION DOLLAR CHECK . . . no one voted me on or off their island or kept me in or snubbed me out of their "alliance" . . . (well, that last part isn't true . . . have had alot of folks walk away from me or toss me to the curb, but that's way off today's hair loss ...)
but I am the Unofficial SURVIVOR . . . !!!
I survived Mother's Day . . .
Survived doesn't seem to be the right word actually.
Endured ??
Passed it (sorta like a kidney stone?) or bad Mexican tacos ???
I was SO NOT looking forward to it . . . although, I've been very blessed with a wonderful woman in my life to join with me in being the most incredible mom to our amazing three kiddos. Jan is a precious, redemptive, and cherished mother and wife!! She'll put a smile on your face, just by saying her name :)
But this day, it was difficult for me to stay focused on her.
Yeah, that damned grief virus just hasn't left my soul and heart yet.
In recent weeks (it may be months - I'm horrible at time statements these days) , I've had the privilege of the continual presence of night-mares and tormenting dreams. I really can't recall what they are about in detail. I simply know, when I awake, that I've had another one. Sometimes I awaken in a sweat . . . other times I'm jolted awake . . . but most of the time, I arouse with an emptiness inside and I know I've had another.
And they involve mom . . .
So, yesterday, as my day began at 6:45 am . . . it was there again . . . and I "zombied" through my day wondering if I'll ever be free of this nagging "blanket" of . . . . . . whatever one would call it.
I received 2 of the most beautiful and heartfelt texts from my wife and daughter in the morning . . . both reminding me of my place in their love and hearts . . . . reminding me that death has indeed lost it's ultimate sting and the grave holds no victory in love. How wonderfully tender and strong their words spoke to this aching, scared, beaten down, exhausted, empty heart !!! Reminded, ever so gently, that Grace and Love Always Win!
But the poison still remains . . . . and I know it must continue to work it's way around . . .
And so I "delivered" my Mother's Day Talk at church . . . I really have no clue what I said . . . lol . . . this from a guy who used to script out every word, pause, inflection and gesture. But literally felt like Lazarus, walking around in grave clothes all morning. Enjoyed a delightful dinner honoring Jan . . . took a nap, either brought on by the depression or the cocktails at dinner . . . cleaned the toilets at church (another gift to my wife ;-)) . . . and tevo-therapy.
This morning, it occurred to me, that I hadn't heard from any friends on this heart wrenching day . . . and so it must be I guess . . .
Many "lies" threaten to take up camp in my mind . . . dismissing thoughts over my life , impact, presence . . .
But they don't.
I think because I'm too exhausted to wrestle and fuel them around in the mental aerobics that I can exhaust from time to time. But today, I'm warmed by the knowledge that I matter to the 2 women that are the most important living persons that I love. And that is SO Enough right now.
Reflecting back on conversations with Lois and Pat yesterday morning . . . Lois in her late 80's and completely alone, except her blind companion Pat by her side. They are so delightful. They walk around our church's parking lot during the week to get their "exercise" and to steal flowers out of our flower beds . . .lol . . . they so crack me up!! This blind woman and the other with a walker trying to "sneak around" . . . too cute to even picture . . . . We honored Lois with a special bouquet . . . as one of our oldest moms . . . and I shared her story. A few years back, Lois lost her husband, her son, her daughter and all her grandchildren all in a few months of each other. She is all alone now . No family whatsoever. Just passing her days with her side-kick Pat by her side. She wonders out loud why "the Lord isn't finished" with her here yet . . . My grieving heart wonders the same, except for the power of her presence as she laughs and jokes with me.
Today, I was reading some of Jim Palmer's "Being Jesus in Nashville" and came across the following quote from the movie American Beauty . . .
I survived indeed . . . with the "grace-deposits" of 2 beautiful love and an "Eve" named "Lois" . . .
Could have used the Million bucks, can't lie about that (as the Barenaked Ladies tune floats through my head all day) . . . but will let the lingering presence of healing graces absorb in its absence . . .
It didn't come with a 1 MILLION DOLLAR CHECK . . . no one voted me on or off their island or kept me in or snubbed me out of their "alliance" . . . (well, that last part isn't true . . . have had alot of folks walk away from me or toss me to the curb, but that's way off today's hair loss ...)
but I am the Unofficial SURVIVOR . . . !!!
I survived Mother's Day . . .
Survived doesn't seem to be the right word actually.
Endured ??
Passed it (sorta like a kidney stone?) or bad Mexican tacos ???
I was SO NOT looking forward to it . . . although, I've been very blessed with a wonderful woman in my life to join with me in being the most incredible mom to our amazing three kiddos. Jan is a precious, redemptive, and cherished mother and wife!! She'll put a smile on your face, just by saying her name :)
But this day, it was difficult for me to stay focused on her.
Yeah, that damned grief virus just hasn't left my soul and heart yet.
In recent weeks (it may be months - I'm horrible at time statements these days) , I've had the privilege of the continual presence of night-mares and tormenting dreams. I really can't recall what they are about in detail. I simply know, when I awake, that I've had another one. Sometimes I awaken in a sweat . . . other times I'm jolted awake . . . but most of the time, I arouse with an emptiness inside and I know I've had another.
And they involve mom . . .
So, yesterday, as my day began at 6:45 am . . . it was there again . . . and I "zombied" through my day wondering if I'll ever be free of this nagging "blanket" of . . . . . . whatever one would call it.
I received 2 of the most beautiful and heartfelt texts from my wife and daughter in the morning . . . both reminding me of my place in their love and hearts . . . . reminding me that death has indeed lost it's ultimate sting and the grave holds no victory in love. How wonderfully tender and strong their words spoke to this aching, scared, beaten down, exhausted, empty heart !!! Reminded, ever so gently, that Grace and Love Always Win!
But the poison still remains . . . . and I know it must continue to work it's way around . . .
And so I "delivered" my Mother's Day Talk at church . . . I really have no clue what I said . . . lol . . . this from a guy who used to script out every word, pause, inflection and gesture. But literally felt like Lazarus, walking around in grave clothes all morning. Enjoyed a delightful dinner honoring Jan . . . took a nap, either brought on by the depression or the cocktails at dinner . . . cleaned the toilets at church (another gift to my wife ;-)) . . . and tevo-therapy.
This morning, it occurred to me, that I hadn't heard from any friends on this heart wrenching day . . . and so it must be I guess . . .
Many "lies" threaten to take up camp in my mind . . . dismissing thoughts over my life , impact, presence . . .
But they don't.
I think because I'm too exhausted to wrestle and fuel them around in the mental aerobics that I can exhaust from time to time. But today, I'm warmed by the knowledge that I matter to the 2 women that are the most important living persons that I love. And that is SO Enough right now.
Reflecting back on conversations with Lois and Pat yesterday morning . . . Lois in her late 80's and completely alone, except her blind companion Pat by her side. They are so delightful. They walk around our church's parking lot during the week to get their "exercise" and to steal flowers out of our flower beds . . .lol . . . they so crack me up!! This blind woman and the other with a walker trying to "sneak around" . . . too cute to even picture . . . . We honored Lois with a special bouquet . . . as one of our oldest moms . . . and I shared her story. A few years back, Lois lost her husband, her son, her daughter and all her grandchildren all in a few months of each other. She is all alone now . No family whatsoever. Just passing her days with her side-kick Pat by her side. She wonders out loud why "the Lord isn't finished" with her here yet . . . My grieving heart wonders the same, except for the power of her presence as she laughs and jokes with me.
Today, I was reading some of Jim Palmer's "Being Jesus in Nashville" and came across the following quote from the movie American Beauty . . .
It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful . . . you can look right back.
I survived indeed . . . with the "grace-deposits" of 2 beautiful love and an "Eve" named "Lois" . . .
Could have used the Million bucks, can't lie about that (as the Barenaked Ladies tune floats through my head all day) . . . but will let the lingering presence of healing graces absorb in its absence . . .
"Jesus didn't psychologize or spiritualize people's suffering. He didn't even seem to try to explain it in light of God. Jesus faced suffering and tasted the depths of it. He leaned into it, endured it, and fully met others in their suffering. Jesus did not live a detached life, as I had understood it. Jesus cared. Jesus wept. Jesus felt it al deeply. There is some way, perhaps a middle way, between living in denial and being swallowed whole by the pain and suffering of human existence, and this is how Jesus lived.
Being Jesus means that we go through life embracing it all fully and feeling it all deeply. That we don't hide and try to protect ourselves. That we live. That we show up. That we laugh. That we cry. That we hurt. That we heal. That we care. That we love. And then, that we wake up the next morning and sign up for it all over again." --taken from "Being Jesus in Nashville: Finding the Courage to Live Your Life
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Stuck In A Moment . . . and I can't get out of it . . .
This season continues to be one of the most challenging times I've encountered. I wonder often how the previous challenges in my life have prepared me for this season, and while I know in my head that my story is all woven together by Another - right now, that thought fails to bring me the strength to endure.
My most recent self-revelation has to do with the everyday occurance of just making decisions. It seems like such a normal part of life , similar to breathing, blinking, and even tooting, but in these recent times, it is one of the most painful places that I find my feet standing in.
I'm completely frozen . . .
"I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep . . .
I wasn't jumping . . . for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all"
- Bono
How does one go from being a very confident "leader" . . . decisive . . . negotiator and mediator . . . to a zombie who just sits and stairs out into oblivion?
Not sure . . .
I just know that's where I'm at . . .
There is this haunting sense that I totally f'd up when it came to mom's care. Other's looked to me (which isn't new or unusual) and I prayed and trusted and offered truth as I understood it to be unfolding . . . but now, looking back (and I don't even have to look back, because the reminders are ever present in front of me) I just don't know.
And this has spilled over to just about every arena of my life. Planning Sunday talks, interacting in weekly and daily conversations, getting dressed, daily to do lists, larger projects , etc . . . all are stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it.
I'm freezing up . . . and I sooooooo HATE that right now . . .
What happens when the one person you've always trusted in . . . yourself . . . lets you and others down so dramatically in the worst possible scenario!
A life and death situation that was real . . .
There is nothing left . . .
And I'm really fortunate right now, because I have good friends and wonderful family members who stand with me even in the midst of uncertainty or awful decisions. That does bring me large gulps of air when I'm suffocating. Gone, at least for right now, are the ones who cast grenades and then walk away.
I'm very thankful for what and who I've discovered in this reality . . .
But even in the good place . . . there is this "lostness" . . .
Even as these good and faithful others offer their suggestions and things I should do . . . it seems to add more cement to the quagmire that is surrounding the feet of my inner world. Like I haven't thought of all they are saying ??? They mean well . . . and their advice is really wise . . .but somehow, I just feel missed in the midst of it.
The thought keeps pounding in my head . . . "they need to talk to someone else" . . .
Most recently this occurred in trying to help my daughter in purchasing a car . . . I stood in a man's garage staring into who knows where . . . wanting to "pull the trigger" and say yes . . . but doubting every breath that I was taking in and letting out in that moment. I stood there for 45 minutes of awkward silence off and on. The same thing happened trying to order dinner the other day . . . is seems so stupid and silly and unfortunately that LIE takes up root in your heart and you believe that you are so stupid and silly and worthless and dumb and . . . . keep on adding on the adjectives.
Really hate this place . . . this part of "process" . . . this place of "maturing trust" . . .
My most recent self-revelation has to do with the everyday occurance of just making decisions. It seems like such a normal part of life , similar to breathing, blinking, and even tooting, but in these recent times, it is one of the most painful places that I find my feet standing in.
I'm completely frozen . . .
"I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep . . .
I wasn't jumping . . . for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all"
- Bono
How does one go from being a very confident "leader" . . . decisive . . . negotiator and mediator . . . to a zombie who just sits and stairs out into oblivion?
Not sure . . .
I just know that's where I'm at . . .
There is this haunting sense that I totally f'd up when it came to mom's care. Other's looked to me (which isn't new or unusual) and I prayed and trusted and offered truth as I understood it to be unfolding . . . but now, looking back (and I don't even have to look back, because the reminders are ever present in front of me) I just don't know.
And this has spilled over to just about every arena of my life. Planning Sunday talks, interacting in weekly and daily conversations, getting dressed, daily to do lists, larger projects , etc . . . all are stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it.
I'm freezing up . . . and I sooooooo HATE that right now . . .
What happens when the one person you've always trusted in . . . yourself . . . lets you and others down so dramatically in the worst possible scenario!
A life and death situation that was real . . .
There is nothing left . . .
And I'm really fortunate right now, because I have good friends and wonderful family members who stand with me even in the midst of uncertainty or awful decisions. That does bring me large gulps of air when I'm suffocating. Gone, at least for right now, are the ones who cast grenades and then walk away.
I'm very thankful for what and who I've discovered in this reality . . .
But even in the good place . . . there is this "lostness" . . .
Even as these good and faithful others offer their suggestions and things I should do . . . it seems to add more cement to the quagmire that is surrounding the feet of my inner world. Like I haven't thought of all they are saying ??? They mean well . . . and their advice is really wise . . .but somehow, I just feel missed in the midst of it.
The thought keeps pounding in my head . . . "they need to talk to someone else" . . .
Most recently this occurred in trying to help my daughter in purchasing a car . . . I stood in a man's garage staring into who knows where . . . wanting to "pull the trigger" and say yes . . . but doubting every breath that I was taking in and letting out in that moment. I stood there for 45 minutes of awkward silence off and on. The same thing happened trying to order dinner the other day . . . is seems so stupid and silly and unfortunately that LIE takes up root in your heart and you believe that you are so stupid and silly and worthless and dumb and . . . . keep on adding on the adjectives.
Really hate this place . . . this part of "process" . . . this place of "maturing trust" . . .
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