Stuck In A Moment . . . and I can't get out of it . . .

This season continues to be one of the most challenging times I've encountered.  I wonder often how the previous challenges in my life have prepared me for this season, and while I know in my head that my story is all woven together by Another - right now, that thought fails to bring me the strength to endure.

My most recent self-revelation has to do with the everyday occurance of just making decisions.  It seems like such a normal part of life , similar to breathing, blinking, and even tooting, but in these recent times, it is one of the most painful places that I find my feet standing in.

I'm completely frozen . . .

"I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep . . .
I wasn't jumping . . .  for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all"
- Bono

How does one go from being a very confident "leader" . . . decisive . . . negotiator and mediator . . . to a zombie who just sits and stairs out into oblivion?

Not sure . . .

I just know that's where I'm at . . .

There is this haunting sense that I totally f'd up when it came to mom's care.  Other's looked to me (which isn't new or unusual) and I prayed and trusted and offered truth as I understood it to be unfolding . . . but now, looking back (and I don't even have to look back, because the reminders are ever present in front of me) I just don't know.

And this has spilled over to just about every arena of my life.  Planning Sunday talks, interacting in weekly and daily conversations, getting dressed, daily to do lists, larger projects , etc . . . all are stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it.

I'm freezing up . . . and I sooooooo HATE that right now . . .

What happens when the one person you've always trusted in . . . yourself . . . lets you and others down so dramatically in the worst possible scenario!

A life and death situation that was real  . . .

There is nothing left . . .

And I'm really fortunate right now, because I have good friends and wonderful family members who stand with me even in the midst of uncertainty or awful decisions.  That does bring me large gulps of air when I'm suffocating.  Gone, at least for right now, are the ones who cast grenades and then walk away.

I'm very thankful for what and who I've discovered in this reality . . .

But even in the good place . . . there is this "lostness" . . .

Even as these good and faithful others offer their suggestions and things I should do . . . it seems to add more cement to the quagmire that is surrounding the feet of my inner world.  Like I haven't thought of all they are saying ???   They mean well . . . and their advice is really wise . . .but somehow, I just feel missed in the midst of it.

The thought keeps pounding in my head . . . "they need to talk to someone else" . . .

Most recently this occurred in trying to help my daughter in purchasing a car . . . I stood in a man's garage staring into who knows where . . . wanting to "pull the trigger" and say yes . . . but doubting every breath that I was taking in and letting out in that moment.   I stood there for 45 minutes of awkward silence off and on.  The same thing happened trying to order dinner the other day . . . is seems so stupid and silly and unfortunately that LIE takes up root in your heart and you believe that you are so stupid and silly and worthless and dumb and . . . . keep on adding on the adjectives.

Really hate this place . . . this part of "process" . . . this place of "maturing trust" . . .