It didn't come with a 1 MILLION DOLLAR CHECK . . . no one voted me on or off their island or kept me in or snubbed me out of their "alliance" . . . (well, that last part isn't true . . . have had alot of folks walk away from me or toss me to the curb, but that's way off today's hair loss ...)
but I am the Unofficial SURVIVOR . . . !!!
I survived Mother's Day . . .
Survived doesn't seem to be the right word actually.
Endured ??
Passed it (sorta like a kidney stone?) or bad Mexican tacos ???
I was SO NOT looking forward to it . . . although, I've been very blessed with a wonderful woman in my life to join with me in being the most incredible mom to our amazing three kiddos. Jan is a precious, redemptive, and cherished mother and wife!! She'll put a smile on your face, just by saying her name :)
But this day, it was difficult for me to stay focused on her.
Yeah, that damned grief virus just hasn't left my soul and heart yet.
In recent weeks (it may be months - I'm horrible at time statements these days) , I've had the privilege of the continual presence of night-mares and tormenting dreams. I really can't recall what they are about in detail. I simply know, when I awake, that I've had another one. Sometimes I awaken in a sweat . . . other times I'm jolted awake . . . but most of the time, I arouse with an emptiness inside and I know I've had another.
And they involve mom . . .
So, yesterday, as my day began at 6:45 am . . . it was there again . . . and I "zombied" through my day wondering if I'll ever be free of this nagging "blanket" of . . . . . . whatever one would call it.
I received 2 of the most beautiful and heartfelt texts from my wife and daughter in the morning . . . both reminding me of my place in their love and hearts . . . . reminding me that death has indeed lost it's ultimate sting and the grave holds no victory in love. How wonderfully tender and strong their words spoke to this aching, scared, beaten down, exhausted, empty heart !!! Reminded, ever so gently, that Grace and Love Always Win!
But the poison still remains . . . . and I know it must continue to work it's way around . . .
And so I "delivered" my Mother's Day Talk at church . . . I really have no clue what I said . . . lol . . . this from a guy who used to script out every word, pause, inflection and gesture. But literally felt like Lazarus, walking around in grave clothes all morning. Enjoyed a delightful dinner honoring Jan . . . took a nap, either brought on by the depression or the cocktails at dinner . . . cleaned the toilets at church (another gift to my wife ;-)) . . . and tevo-therapy.
This morning, it occurred to me, that I hadn't heard from any friends on this heart wrenching day . . . and so it must be I guess . . .
Many "lies" threaten to take up camp in my mind . . . dismissing thoughts over my life , impact, presence . . .
But they don't.
I think because I'm too exhausted to wrestle and fuel them around in the mental aerobics that I can exhaust from time to time. But today, I'm warmed by the knowledge that I matter to the 2 women that are the most important living persons that I love. And that is SO Enough right now.
Reflecting back on conversations with Lois and Pat yesterday morning . . . Lois in her late 80's and completely alone, except her blind companion Pat by her side. They are so delightful. They walk around our church's parking lot during the week to get their "exercise" and to steal flowers out of our flower beds . . .lol . . . they so crack me up!! This blind woman and the other with a walker trying to "sneak around" . . . too cute to even picture . . . . We honored Lois with a special bouquet . . . as one of our oldest moms . . . and I shared her story. A few years back, Lois lost her husband, her son, her daughter and all her grandchildren all in a few months of each other. She is all alone now . No family whatsoever. Just passing her days with her side-kick Pat by her side. She wonders out loud why "the Lord isn't finished" with her here yet . . . My grieving heart wonders the same, except for the power of her presence as she laughs and jokes with me.
Today, I was reading some of Jim Palmer's "Being Jesus in Nashville" and came across the following quote from the movie American Beauty . . .
It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful . . . you can look right back.
I survived indeed . . . with the "grace-deposits" of 2 beautiful love and an "Eve" named "Lois" . . .
Could have used the Million bucks, can't lie about that (as the Barenaked Ladies tune floats through my head all day) . . . but will let the lingering presence of healing graces absorb in its absence . . .
"Jesus didn't psychologize or spiritualize people's suffering. He didn't even seem to try to explain it in light of God. Jesus faced suffering and tasted the depths of it. He leaned into it, endured it, and fully met others in their suffering. Jesus did not live a detached life, as I had understood it. Jesus cared. Jesus wept. Jesus felt it al deeply. There is some way, perhaps a middle way, between living in denial and being swallowed whole by the pain and suffering of human existence, and this is how Jesus lived.
Being Jesus means that we go through life embracing it all fully and feeling it all deeply. That we don't hide and try to protect ourselves. That we live. That we show up. That we laugh. That we cry. That we hurt. That we heal. That we care. That we love. And then, that we wake up the next morning and sign up for it all over again." --taken from "Being Jesus in Nashville: Finding the Courage to Live Your Life
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