- if you know me, you might want to not read this blog entry . . .
- if you walk into a room and folks are whispering. . . . and you catch yourself wondering if they are whispering about you . . . don't read this blog . . .
- if profanity is offensive to you . . . . don't go any further . . .
- if you tend to "blow people off" . . . save yourself the energy
- if being picked last always kept you awake at night . . . sleep soundly by skipping to another post . . .
Now the disclaimer :
- I'm not talking about you specifically . . .
ok . . . now onto my dis-connected thoughts:
One of the themes that keeps emerging from within my brokenness is this theme of abandonement. The first time I can recall this place within was when I was somewhere between the ages of 3-6. An ambulance had been called to our house because they thought my mom was having a heart attack. I don't remember much about the discussion . . . I remember the ambulance workers downstairs talking with my mom and putting her on a stretcher. I stayed in my room. And then, as I heard the ambulance siren crank up again, I looked out my bedroom window and saw the flashing lights as they drove down the hill away from our house. It was so dark outside, but I followed those flashing lights all the way out onto the main highway and watched in the distance as they disappeared.
And I wanted to throw up . . .
Something inside was afraid . . . I was alone . . . in my room . . . would my mom be ok? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? Just some of the crazy thoughts that pass through the mind of a young child . . . one with an incredibly active imagination to boot . . .
Fast Forward 40+ years . . . this time, I was riding with my mom in the ambulance as they transported her from the ICU at the hospital to Hospice . . . it would be part of the last journey mom and I would take together here on earth. My mind raced through so many thoughts, but that night so long ago now . . . and the flashing lights . . . and the sense of aloneness were very present. And then as we walked away from Hospice that afternoon . . . it continued to haunt . . . to her apartment . . . to NC as we laid her to rest . . . the ache was very real . . . and now a month after her passing into eternity, the haunting is pissing me off.
Why??
Because it is true . . .
Yep . . .
As much as I see things often as half full , and hope and believe in the best in others and situations . . . this one won't escape me . . .
In the end , I'm alone . . .
Now, don't misunderstand me . . . (for this is where my "openess" could carry an atom bomb) I have been so blessed in the past several years, for the friends that God has brought into my life. For the deepened friendship I have experienced from one's too precious to share them publically but I pray that the Father will bring something special into their lives for the dedication and commitment that they have shown toward me and my family.
My wife, kids . . . such joy fills my heart when I think of you!
My aunt, uncle, cousins . . . I would have never made it through that week without their graces!
The Seven ;)
The DD boys . . .
others at BCC and FCFC . . .
yeah, I simply can't even list them all . . . I'm so blessed!!!
But at the same time . . . there is this excruciating pain that I feel deep in my heart and soul. Wounds that the have been brought there by the actions of myself and others. I can't even call them "friends" anymore, because that word has come to mean so much to me now . . . but they are ones that I would have once numbered as close brothers and sisters.
I was there for them through so many pains and trials and situations . . . deaths, births , dedications, baptisms, parties, dinners, communions, movies, concerts, etc . . .
and I've heard nothing from them . . .
Nothing!
Maybe they don't know . . . I'll grant that grace mainly because of how often I simply have not known of a situation in another's life. But these folks have made it their busyness to know how well our church is doing or what my family is doing or how many staff are still at the church or how much I make or what car I drive . . . They've taken the time to mock and smear my name and reputation . . .
and now , their silence mocks the thing closest and truest in life . . . COMMUNITY
This was pushed even more deeply by one of "them" (i'm killing myself with how deep my own self-protection flows so that I'm labeling them as "them") the other night . . . We haven't really spoken in awhile . . . and when the opportunity came up, this former friend took up an hour of my life telling me about themselves . . . and the more they talked, the more deeply I ached. There was a moment when they actually said "how is Jan and the kids doing", and before I could say anything , I heard another 20 minutes about their family . . .
God, that killed me . . .
I'm 4 again and I want to puke . . .
when I look at you , I see a dark sky with a red light flashing as the siren takes it further and further away from me . . .
I want to shout out "F U", but why waste my breath . . .
Why do I even care ??
Because I'm afraid I'm alone . . .
and alot of you have done alot to reinforce that pain in my soul . . .
yeah, well screw you . . . my mouth motions . . .
God, it's been a month now . . . and I know, and you know, that I'm nowhere near healing in all this crapola . . . I hate feeling this vulnerable . . . so used and disposed of . . .
Does what we do or believe or offer even matter??
Are we nothing more than commodities that others use and leave?
and other thoughts stir too . . .
He was despised and rejected . . .
He made himself of no reputation . . .
He even thought his own dad had rejected and forsaken him in his moment of greatest pain and need . . .
hmmm . . .
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