Comfortably Numb

It started out like a fun idea (like most of mine sorta do :-\ ) . . .

I was a youth pastor at the time and me and some of the youth were getting together at different folks homes during the summer . . . just hanging out . . . playing some v-ball . . . doing whatever . . .

well, whatever can be . . . a good idea that goes bad real fast . . .

So, here we were . . . in this big open field . . . firing water baloons at one another from a pretty large distance . . . maybe 50 yards apart or so . . .

Then the challenge began . . .

Yeah, I'm sorta like Marty McFly in that way . . . have a hard time being called a chicken or anything like that . . . but in a moment of male arrogance, one of the guys said that he could probably hit me if I stood still out in the field . . .

So I did . . .

And he missed . . .

And the jawwing began . . .

And he missed again . . .

and again . . .

so I stepped closer . . . and he missed . . . and I stepped closer . . . and he missed again . . . and I stepped closer . . .

and it was in that moment that everything went into slow motion . . . I remember standing there, hands on hips (envision Robin Williams in Hook taunting Cap'n Hook) . . . and watching the water baloon release from the launcher (yeah, I was that close by then) and then trying to jump up and out of the way . . .

But I was too slow . . .

and at probably 90 mph and me just 15 yards away . . . I barely had time to flinch . . .

and it hit me . . . . yep . . . uh huh . . .

imagine giving the "V" victory sign , then turning your hand over , like you would pretend to walk, and then stick your thumb through . . .

yep . . .

I went down . . . Hard . . . but I wasn't sure why I was down because all I had was this moment of sudden numbness . . .

Sorta like when you were a kid, playing in the snow (ok, you florida crackers can pretend here) and someone hits you in the face with a snowball, or worse, an iceball . . .

Just numb . . .

And that is what moments in this grief journey feel like . . . . just numb . . .

And numb can be good . . . because it's just the heart's way of protecting itself because you have suffered a tremendous blow to it. But you know it's going to wear off and then . . . . well, pain, nausea, heaving . . . etc.

And during those numb moments you feel like you have a third eye growing out of your forehead. Everyone (even the dog) seems to look at you oddly and speak to you more slowly and intentional than before. You begin to wonder , "is there something wrong with me?" . . . and that's where numbness can become a problem . Because when we choose to stay numb because the fear of feeling can be too overwhelming to us, then that can become almost addicting in its own way. Becoming "comfortably numb" is dangerous . . . And you haven't even grabbed that MnM or margarita yet. But, on its own, "numb" is just protecting . . . warning . . . that, "YES", you've taken a hit . . . and so we then must see it as not something that is simply reactionary or reflex, but more. Really, "numbness" is an invitation. Yep . . . it is inviting us to feel . . . to hurt . . . to ache . . . to cry . . . to wonder . . . to believe . . . to taste . . . to see . . . to heal . . .

And that is what makes us most human . . . that process . . . it makes us most alive . . .

So . . . go ahead . . . stare at my third eye . . . stand over me . . . my heart is alive in this . . . aches, yes . . . churns, you bet . . . but alive even though I appear numb . . .